Monday, April 27, 2009

Over at Cute Overload

(a blog which, not surprisingly, I frequent), this picture was featured with the caption, "if you turn this pic 90 degrees it's a much happier story":


Friday, April 10, 2009

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

OK, so I'm excited about this movie:

But I do have one question... what's up with Meryl Streep being compared with a brown egg while Amy Adams is depicted as a white egg? I've done my research. Brown eggs and white eggs are nutritionally the same, but there are a couple key differences that make this poster way controversial!

First of all, white eggs are cheaper. What are you trying to say, Hollywood? That Amy Adams is some sort of cheap floozy? Or is this some sort of commentary on the industry as a whole, calling for an end to studios bowing to the outrageous salary demands of megastars of Ms. Streep's caliber, especially in these tough economic times?

You know why brown eggs are more expensive? It's because the chickens that lay brown eggs are bigger than the chickens that lay white eggs and require more food. What, Hollywood?! Are you calling Meryl Streep fat? Because if you are, shame on you! The woman's a babe. Or are you instead highlighting the pressure placed on young actresses like Amy Adams to conform to ridiculous standards of beauty, forcing upon starlets restrictive diets and excessive workout routines that ultimately destroy their health, perhaps only after obliterating their self-respect? Huh? What's your angle, movie poster?!

Finally, according to the Egg Nutrition Board, "White shelled eggs are produced by hens with white feathers and ear lobes. Brown shelled eggs are produced by hens with red feathers and red ear lobes." OMG, movie poster! Are you kidding me? Are you trying to suggest that Meryl Streep has red ear lobes? That's ridiculous! I have seen literally thousands of pictures of Meryl Streep in my life and have noticed nary a red ear lobe. Or are you trying to point out that famous Hollywood actors are subject to an insane amount of media scrutiny, that in this industry commercial success is frequently accompanied by almost constant violations of personal privacy with no real avenue of escape, essentially trapping movie stars and their families into a fish-in-a-fishbowl type existence in which all of their flaws and mistakes are scrutinized nonstop?

Verdict: controversy shells.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

New, Serious(ish) Blog!

Hi, fart-heads.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I called you all fart-heads. Well I do, actually... see, I wanted to suggest that you all check out my new semi-serious blog (The Bear's Necessities), which will feature the semi-legit discussion of things I actually find pretty interesting. And I wanted to distinguish that blog, my outlet for actual discussion and intellectual investigation in this nebulous ether we understand to be the internet, from this blog, my humor blog, which is supposed to be kinda funny, if only in a half-smile, half-eye roll kind of way. So I got nervous about seriously plugging my serious blog on my fun website, since the tone of a serious plug would contrast with the typically un-serious tone of this blog, delegitimizing the serious plug entirely. So in a moment of desperation, I grasped at straws trying to find the hilarious greeting that would legitimize my legitimate plug of my serious blog by conforming to the typical tone of a legitimate blog post in the context of this less serious blog. So I called you all fart-heads. That was wrong. You should read my new blog anyway. Maybe I'll write something about the social and cultural forces at work that lead some to find humor in the vaguely scatological while others become big poop faces who can't take a joke.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Titular Nonsense

If a Titanic sequel were made, here are some of the names they'd probably consider:

- Titanic II: Hope Floats, Men Sink
- Titanic II: Deep Freeze
- Titanic II: The Dead Sea (or alternatively, Titanic II: Dead in the Water)
- Titanic II: A Rose by Any Other Name (than DeWitt Bukater or Hockley)
- Titanic II: Dawson's Dead, Son
- Titanic II: Two Bodies, One Cupboard

Other ideas?