Ghost Toast Launch!

Check out Shira's and Jake's web series, Ghost Toast! It's way awesome. Also, I'm in the first episode. Enough said.

Dog Court Improv

#&!@ caution.

So I'm taking this writing class...

And our first assignment was to write 2 or 3 monologue jokes! Fun right? I think more kids would like school if assignments like that were more prevalent. Anyway, here are the three I came up with in about half an hour before class. They're not stellar, but at least you all can enjoy watching me learn. Or something.

"The FCC said Tuesday that it will review the incident involving a fleeting glimpse of pop singer Janet Jackson's breast during the 2004 Superbowl. Janet Jackson's breast could not be reached for comment, which is not surprising since it has not been seen or heard from in over 5 years."

"In Washington state today, a few cattle participating in a local parade veered off course, entering a convenience store. A pair of cowboys was forced to enter the store on horseback to drive out the cows, who emerged with 2 dozen taquitos and a Battle Berry Slurpee."

"Investigators reported today that a shipwreck off the Italian coast may hold radioactive waste sunk by the mafia. This came as a surprise to officials, who had not realized Glenn Beck was missing."

"Defying Gravity" Defies Longevity

ABC has announced that Sunday night's episode of the space-based drama, Defying Gravity, will be the show's last. In the absence of an official cancellation announcement by ABC, rumors are swirling that the show, which stars Ron Livingston, was not in fact canceled, but has been asked to come in on Saturday.

A really bad idea:

This.

Why: First, a lot of people - especially ones you don't know that well - will be grossed out if you up and hand them a slice of meat. Second, wallets are warm places. Those business cards are gonna start getting smelly and bacteria-y. Not only will your smell drive away some potential business contacts (or pretty ladies), but if you actually manage to hand someone the card, they'll probably get sick and die shortly thereafter. Of course, there might be one person who won't be driven away by your smell, won't die from bacteria exposure and won't be grossed out by you handing him or her a slice of meat. But the type of person that wouldn't be grossed out by that, who would find that sort of thing fun and/or respectable, is also exactly the type of person who would eat that business card, thus losing all of your contact information. Fail.

Then again... meat and lasers...

OK, I'm buying some of these. And then I'm gonna make lots of friends at the "Star Trek" opening !

New, Serious(ish) Blog!

Hi, fart-heads.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I called you all fart-heads. Well I do, actually... see, I wanted to suggest that you all check out my new semi-serious blog (The Bear's Necessities), which will feature the semi-legit discussion of things I actually find pretty interesting. And I wanted to distinguish that blog, my outlet for actual discussion and intellectual investigation in this nebulous ether we understand to be the internet, from this blog, my humor blog, which is supposed to be kinda funny, if only in a half-smile, half-eye roll kind of way. So I got nervous about seriously plugging my serious blog on my fun website, since the tone of a serious plug would contrast with the typically un-serious tone of this blog, delegitimizing the serious plug entirely. So in a moment of desperation, I grasped at straws trying to find the hilarious greeting that would legitimize my legitimate plug of my serious blog by conforming to the typical tone of a legitimate blog post in the context of this less serious blog. So I called you all fart-heads. That was wrong. You should read my new blog anyway. Maybe I'll write something about the social and cultural forces at work that lead some to find humor in the vaguely scatological while others become big poop faces who can't take a joke.

Area Man Spends Somewhere In Area of 5 Minutes Measuring Area of His Area of Area Apartment

Aerial photographs to be made available soon.

In an email I received from career networking site "Doostang":

All-star jobs. Some of our best and brightest in fact. Hurry before they're gone!

VC Associate, Los Angeles, CA

Consultant - Financial Analyst, New York, NY

Business Development Associate, Boston, MA

Senior Associate, Alternative Asset Management, Washington DC

I'm all for being employed, but seriously, if Venture Capital Associate is "in fact" the best and brightest they can come up with, I'll take my chances on poverty. Maybe it's just me, but the idea of competing for a position wherein my chief responsibility would be to manage assets alternatively makes me want to suck my eyes out.

Excited!

Who's a good Slumdog Millionaire? Yesh you are, oh yesh you are!

Who's da Bestest Picture of da year? Isyou, isyou, isyou, isyou, isyou! Would you like anothah tweat? You would?! Of course you would, of course you would! Who's da best at cinematogwaphy, diwecting and editing? Is it... Slumdog? Yesh it's Slumdog! And who has da bestest owiginal score and bestest owiginal song? ... It's Slumdog!! What a good picture, good film! And who's got da bestest Sound in da whole wide entertainment industwy? Isyou, isyou, isyou! Oh, what's dat, Slumdog? Am I forgetting somesing? Oh, how siwwy of me, who's da bestest at wighting in da categowy of scweenplay based on matewial pweviously pwoduced or pubwished? Whadda good Slumdog!

Tom Hanks to Blow Up World

Despite years of playing heroic figures onscreen in hits such as Road to Perdition, Saving Private Ryan, The Da Vinci Code, Apollo 13, Philadelphia and Splash, Tom Hanks has recently announced his intention to destroy the world and potentially other large chunks of the universe by turning on the Large Hadron Collider operated by CERN near Geneva when repairs have been completed. He then immediately apologized for exposing the LHC's nearly limitless destructive power to the world before confirming the existence of such abilities with the LHC first.

In related news, Kevin Kline has signed on for a new romantic comedy to be directed by Frank Oz, tentatively entitled Machine Designed to Simulate the Big Bang & Evil Underground Scientific Lair That Will Create Black Holes Destroying the Earth and Its Surroundings (Paramount Pics).

A Rabbit I Wish Only Elwood Could See

Screw you, Robert Palmer!

I'm clearly NOT gonna have to face it!

Mind-Control Games

According to a USA Today report, we may soon be seeing the mass-marketing of brain-to-computer products in the form of "mind-control games". These games translate brain-wave activity into physical action and will further assist children in the quest to play while remaining as motionless as possible.

CNN "special" report

CNN reports that CNN journalist and CNN chief medical correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, has been approached by President-elect Barack "CNN" Obama to serve as Surgeon General, according to sources at CNN.

Oprah, Once Again, Sensible

Oprah does lots of sensible things. She endorses the right people. She guest stars on the right shows. She gives presents to audience members that have been vetted with greater scrutiny than certain Presidential candidates' VP picks. A new addition to Oprah's list of sensible actions: Oprah reacts sensibly to the idea of a grilled chocolate and brie sandwich.

Oprah: at least 4, Giada De Laurentiis: 0

'Ello, Govna

Lieutenant Gov. David Paterson is set to become the Governor of New York State Monday following the resignation of Gov. Eliot Spitzer. Paterson will make history as the state's first African American governor. But, perhaps even more significantly, Paterson will also be the first legally blind governor in U.S. history.

Finally, this neglected segment of society will be represented in the highest office of the State, giving a voice to those without vision.